A Child Yourself
by Nixi Stasia
Summary: Not an AU and no OOC, but what I think would happen if Flora got into a bad situation and got pregnant. Post Lost/Unwound Future. M for language and strong sexual references and implied rape.
1. 1, Possibility

**AN: Thanks to SauasageMahoney98 for betaing! :D**

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A Child Yourself

Chapter One, Possibility

Flora's POV

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I sat on the side of Jane's bed with her at the opposite end. After an hour and a half of maths, science and design homework, we had nothing left to do. I hadn't been paying much attention to the homework anyway, I had too much playing on my mind at the moment. It was like there was a wall built up in my brain that wouldn't let me get past unless I found another route. So far, I hadn't found that other route.

Jane had noticed something wrong, I'd obviously been acting differently. I knew I had. I'd been barely speaking at lunch for the past few days, and I had stopped working as much in lessons, and hadn't been doing anything, basically. I suppose I should have known Jane would notice sooner, her being my best friend and all.

"I'm sure it's nothing, it's just..." I began, but soon stopped. Jane was my best friend, but could I trust her with this? If it was true, would she abandon me? Would she be able to keep this secret? She'd been able to keep the secret of me losing my virginity, but could she keep this one?

"Tell me," Jane said, looking at me seriously.

I sighed, unsure what to do. If I told her, she would take it seriously. Despite her laid back "la-di-dah" approach to life, Jane was serious when she needed to be. I honestly didn't think she would tell people. I was just too wary and emotional at the moment to trust her.

"Okay, well, you know I told you what happened between me and..." I broke off. I'd broken up with my boyfriend months ago- a month and a half after we err... did _it._Jane and me agreed to never again to say his name. I told Jane it was because I thought I would find it easier to get over him, but really I'd been over him a long time ago. After what he was capable of...

"Yeah," Jane knew what I meant. Her eyes went wide. I knew she was thinking what I was. She's just the type of person who won't say anything until she's sure she's right. Jane hates to be wrong.

"Well, I'm two weeks late." I said slowly.

I suppose it would be normal for me to break down and cry, but I'd spent every night of the last two weeks crying myself to sleep. Now, I think I've had every tear squeezed out from me. Which makes things worse, I suppose it's like I'm too emotional to cry. I don't just have one emotion at the moment, I have an entire selection; fear, angst, worry and just pure nerves.

We were silent for a moment, and I looked at Jane and scoured her face for a reaction. The mouth was open, but not in shock, in a sort of 'this can't be real' way. She looked at me, but I don't think she was actually seeing me. I was just a block in her vision. Jane looked as if she was confused and deep in thought.

"But...that was ages ago, when 'you-know-who' and you..." Jane began slowly.

"Yeah, but I was doing some research at the library and you can still be 'on' and..." I was too scared to say the word, and then I took a deep breath and came out with it," You can still be on and pregnant."

"Well, maybe you're just late. Like someone's messing around with you. I mean, have you spent more time with someone who you usually don't spend much time with? And you don't have any other symptoms," Jane reasoned, twiddling her pen, a sign that she was concentrating.

Poking holes in it wasn't the answer. I had tried, but some how the answer of pregnancy always seemed to come back. And I wasn't sure I could manage with just one possibility. Two, maybe, because then I would be able to think there was something else and nothing is worse then me being pregnant.

I'm fifteen and it's looked down on completely for anyone, let alone teenagers, who aren't married to have a baby. And the Professor, he'll kick me out for sure! He may be a gentleman, but a gentleman can't look after a girl who's had a baby. That's completely looked down on too! Not to mention school and how I'd be picked on and tortured in the streets by looks of disapproval. Then there's the whole idea of being pregnant and giving birth. That was something I couldn't think about now. That would be what women, who are married, would worry about!

"I have other symptoms too..." I whispered.

"Like what?" Jane asked, quietly; we didn't want her mother to hear.

"Well, I've been feeling sick and sleepy a lot..." once again I couldn't carry on.

"Maybe you're imagining it. I heard that when you think about something a lot, you can think it actually is real," Jane said.

I looked down, away from Jane. After thinking the tears had gone, they came back to pounce on me, when I was vulnerable. I hated people seeing me cry. Jane knew.

"Oh, Flora," Jane came over to me, sat beside me and hugged me," It's okay, Flora. It's okay."

As Jane soothed me, I sobbed a wet puddle of tears onto her baby blue dress. I didn't know what to do. The fact that there was a baby inside me...it just scared me.

"Look, you don't know for sure," Jane said.

"But I know I am!" I cried.

Jane sighed and looked down, then suddenly jumped up and grabbed her bag.

"Come on," Jane beckoned.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"The pharmacy. I've got a spare fiver in my purse. We can get those test things," Jane explained, pulling me up," Come on. Don't worry until you have to. After all, it could be negative."

But it wasn't.

Once we'd bought the test, we took it back to Jane's house, where I did the test in her bathroom. After five minutes, I looked down at the stick.'

'Positive'.

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** As you may know, this story was up over the Summer but was taken down because I was finding working on so many stories at once too hard and HIATUS just wouldn't cut it. However, according to my poll (which you can still vote for) people wanted more 'teen angst stories, soI thought I'd re-upload this! **

**Please leave a review, my darlings! Anastasia xx**


	2. 2, Telling The Sister

A Child Yourself

Chapter Two, Telling The Sister

I looked down at the small two month old baby, in the moses basket in front of me. He was asleep, but still lively. Moving about, making small noises and that sort of thing. I couldn't help but find him cute. He had small brown strands of hair coming from his head and gazing blue eyes (when he was awake, of course). All his toes were crunched up and his fingers were wrapped around the side of the basket.

No one could help and think 'how adorable.' Even me.

A small stir came from him and soon the room was filled with the cries of a baby. I lent back on the soft, leather sofa and waited for Lilly. My head had been hurting a lot recently. Was that something to do with being pregnant? Or the fears? I had a lot of things to be scared about at the moment; what school would be like once everybody had found out; what I'd do with a baby; giving birth and worst of all, telling the Professor.

He would be fuming. Mad. Outraged. He'd probably throw me out on the street. Even as a gentleman, he surely wouldn't approve of one approved of such a thing as _this._

That was why I had decided to tell Lilly first. I mean, she had a baby two months go. She'd be mad too, but she could give me guidance. Also, she had to tell the Professor and I can not imagine how hard that would be. Well, I won't have too soon will I? I'll know for sure; I'll get front row seats, for crying out loud!

I heard "What's up with you, eh?" Lilly cooed, picking out the baby of the basket.

He stopped crying almost immediately.

"There we go," She muttered, then said a bit louder addressed to no one in particular," He's a right Mummy's boy isn't he?"

I nodded and smiled. A forced smile. I was even lucky if I'd even get to hold my baby once. It would be whisked away to the nearest adoption service the second it was born. Come to think about it, it would be a better thing to do. I couldn't really keep a baby.

According to the dates and things, I was two months pregnant. Which meant my baby was conceived around about the time Lilly had her baby. Well, I know the exact dates and it was actually three days before so technically, I was in my first days, unknown to me at the time whilst Lilly was in her last, which was very well known. She was so big, she did barely anything but lie on the sofa watching television.

"So, you said you wanted to tell me something," Lilly said, cradling her baby.

"Yes," I answered simply. My heart sped up.

"Go on then, shoot," she said.

I took a deep breath; I'd been gathering up the courage all day to tell her.

"Ok, umm..." now it had come to the time I needed to think of a way to say it. I suppose the best thing is to come out with it," Well, two weeks ago, I noticed my period was late..."

"What?" Lilly interrupted. She spoke very quickly," You mean to say..."

"I did a test and..."

"But, Flora! You... you're fifteen!" Lilly stuttered, in a voice that was neither quiet, loud or neutral. However, it did seem to travel across the room like an echo, making a very scared baby jump. She put him down in the cot and dragged me of the room. Like he was going to poisoned with the idea of not using protection! Well, actually, it's a risky thing. Ask both Lilly and me," You are fifteen! It's not even legal, let alone..."

"Appropriate," I said- Lilly has a very limited vocabulary.

"Not just that, it's unthinkable, mad not to mention illegal!"

"You've already said that..."

"Be quiet!" Lilly yelled," Do not realise what you have done?!"

"Of course I do, but I honestly thought you would be a bit more supportive seen as you were in this situation not even a year ago!" I yelled back, though my voice was still unbelievably quiet. Lilly and me had never fought like this before. We'd been mad at each other, but this was an unthinkable fight for us. Then again, this was an unthinkable situation.

"Don't bring me into this! I'm an adult, it's legal for me to lie with someone!" Lilly shouted.

I stopped, frozen. Horrible memories of that terrible night flashed through my mind like a lightning bolt.

"_Come on, don't be lame."_

_"I..."_

_"Flora! Grow up! You're so frigid!"_

_"But.."_

_"Everyone else is doing it."_

_"And? I'm sorry, but I'm not ready!... Hey... What? Get off!"_

"Flora?" Lilly said, snapping her fingers, her nails scraping against each other.

"Yeah," I said, coming out of whatever trance I was in.

"I'm sorry, I shouted. It's just..." She sighed.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed.

"Come and sit down," Lilly said, leading me back into the living room and we sat down on the sofa.

"Flora. Flora, were you attacked?" Lilly asked.

"No!" I said suddenly," No, of course not. I just... I may have just gotten a bit caught up in it all."

"Hmm, hormones, hey?" Lilly chuckled.

"Yeah, hormones," I said, stiffly.

If it was only that.

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**AN: Unfortunately, there's no Fagan this chapter, as he's been at his Dad's where he can't use a computer. So it's just me. **

**Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a review! And thanks to the people who've already reviewed! :D**

**Merry Christmas guys! And a Happy New Year- if I don't get to say it before then, which I should, but... well, just incase. :)**

**Anastasia xx**


	3. 3, Telling The Guardian

**AN: And here's another update!** **Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! :D**

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A Child Yourself

Chapter Three, Telling the Guardian

I stood nervously looking into the mirror, in my underwear. There was still no sign of sign of a bump, but back pains, nausea and cravings were enough. And the fact that I was late... Now very late... There was no point in re-thinking the situation. I was pregnant, no matter how much I didn't want to be.

"Flora?" the Professor's voice called from downstairs.

I jumped and rushed to pull my usual pink dress (that I knew wouldn't fit me soon) over my head.

"Yes?" I yelled down, pushing my arms through the sleeves.

After I finally had my dress on, I left my bedroom and walked (Lilly had told me not to run) down the stairs, where I saw the Professor and Lilly in the hallway.

"Lilly?" I said, pretending to be surprised.

In the doorway, stood Lilly. She was wearing a purple blouse, and a black pencil skirt. The top was very tight and I was pretty sure it was one of those tops made to make a woman's clevage look bigger. Especially because you could tell the top was made of different pieces of material that had been sewn together and there were two lines of stitching around her chest.

"Hi, Flora," Lilly smiled, though she gave me a piercing stare.

So Lilly had came, as planned. After I explained to Lilly my situation we came up with a plan to tell the Professor. Obviously, I was terrified about it and seen as Lilly had, had to tell him she was having a baby nearly a year ago, she decided to help me. Well, technically, do it for me, but with me there. She had said something about avoiding stress.

Of course, I didn't understand how I could avoid it? How could anyone pregnant avoid stress? Even a normal pregnancy, meaning an unborn child that was conceived by a married couple, would be stressful. Strange as it sounded though, I wasn't at all scared about giving birth. What was about to happen now, was ten times more painful. Every second was a contraction.

"Well, this is a good surprise," the Professor said, clapping his hands together.

"Hmm, nice to know there's one," I muttered.

"What was that, Flora?" the Professor asked, turning around to me.

"Nothing," I quickly, said.

Lilly gave me a look, to say 'be careful', but very sharply and almost unkindly. Like a woman telling off a child for eating too many sweets.

"Where's James, Lilly?" I asked, changing the subject or making conversation. Awkward moments with Lilly were awful. Mainly because she was possibly the most bipolar person I knew. No one could ever tell when she was going to snap- not even her husband or the Professor.

"Oh, he's at his grandmother's; Jack's Mother's," Lilly replied.

It was the first time I'd seen Lilly without James. Maybe she was desperate to help me? Or was she just hoping to see someone else get in trouble for having babies when unmarried? I was getting paranoid. Again.

"So, shall I put on a pot of tea?" the Professor asked.

"Actually, I'm fine," Lilly replied, "I just had a pot with Jack's Mother."

I rolled my eyes, as it became increasingly obvious that she was enjoying spending time with her incredibly rich and posh in-laws. It was still mostly a mystery to me why she'd

"Well, anyway don't just stand in the doorway, come and sit down," the Professor smiled.

Lilly came over rarely, she was busy a lot. Well, that's what she said. Recently though she'd been fighting with the Professor a bit though. I wasn't sure what over. I think she was still mad at him for stuff to do with her Mother, which wasn't exactly his fault. I gave up on trying to figure it out a while ago now.

Lilly smiled gratefully and walked through into the living room and sat down. The Professor gave me a sort of smile that said 'Typical'. People were giving me complicated looks today!

We both followed her like puppies. I made sure I took the seat next to Lilly, leaving the Professor to take the armchair. After all, the armchair was the furthest place he could be from us in the room, and be sitting down. And to take in news like this, he would definitely need to be sitting down. Though even that wouldn't stop him having a heart attack.

"So when do you want me to say?" Lilly whispered, the second I sat down next to her.

"As soon as possible," I whispered back.

"Ok..." she nodded.

"So, is there a reason you came over Lilly?" the Professor asked his daughter, interrupting her mid-sentence. Of course, he didn't realise she was speaking.

"Do I have to have an excuse to come and visit my Father and sister?" Lilly questioned, in her very-fake happy voice.

"Of course not!" the Professor beamed.

This was the first time he'd spoken to Lilly in a few weeks. And even then, it had been over a phone call that he'd made. This was the first time in ages that Lilly had made a voluntarily visit, or so he though anyway. I partly felt bad knowing that the Professor would soon be devastated, after being so happy to see his daughter. Also, Lilly hadn't visited because she wanted to- I wasn't sure if she would ever do that. I'd always felt that Lilly would eventually just drift way from us completely, and then (especially now that Luke was gone) it wouldn't be long until the Professor would be alone. Especially sooner, because I was certain he would throw me out.

"Anyway, how have you been?" Lilly asked, buttering him up. I could read Lilly like a book.

"Fine, anything new with you?" the Professor answered with a question.

I sat leaning on the arm of the sofa, feeling left out, though truthfully, I didn't want to speak with them.

"No not really," Lilly shrugged.

It was a few moments of awkward silence that did it.

"Ok, let's skip the small talk," Lilly said, sitting up straight suddenly," Here's the thing Dad: Flora has a slight situation, that she wants me to speak to you about because well... It's something I've been through before and was nervous about so..."

"Lilly, calm down, I can't understand a word you are saying," the Professor interrupted.

She was speaking very quickly; I could only just make out what she was saying. Her tone showed that she was scared. In fact she was absolutely terrified. The Professor hadn't been that great when Lilly told him that she was pregnant, but she was nineteen and in a stable and healthy relationship. Then, there was me, pregnant, fifteen and with the Father of the baby off in Wales. Not that I wanted him to be there anyway.

Also, Lilly was the Professor's daughter. Though there had been no shouting, there was most certainly arguments. But me, I wasn't the Professor's daughter. Well, not his real one anyway. He'd let me into his home, out of the kindness of his heart. And now I'd betrayed him. Neglected the new life that he'd offered, so caringly. he could leave me on the streets, with no problem at all. he couldn't be a gentleman all the time- if keeping a pregnant, underage girl was of gentleman-like behaviour.

No, I couldn't let Lilly go through with telling him herself. What if it back fired? And she was given the blame not me? I couldn't let Lilly burden herself with my mistakes. I was perfectly aware that I had no confidence or courage, at that moment at all, but that didn't stop me.

"I'm pregnant, Professor!" I announced.

Everything went silent and time stopped.

Lilly stared at me in shock, but the Professor... He was a paler shade than white and wasn't moving a muscle- it looked like he wasn't even breathing. I trembled, as I looked up at the man who seemed to have transformed into ice.

I panicked, having no idea what to do. Desperate to get away, I ran up the stairs to my room and slammed the door shut, behind me.

Why of all people did this have to happen to me? After all that I'd been through, I had a baby to remind me of the terror too! And the torturing bonuses that came along with it too... It was too much. Tears streamed down my face and I collapsed on my bed.

A few moments later, I heard shouts from downstairs. I couldn't make out much, but I'm pretty sure Lilly swore numerous amounts of times. I tried to listen, but the only way I'd be able to was if I left my room, which I couldn't do. Mentally or physically.

When I heard footsteps come up the stairs I panicked. The Professor was coming. What would I do? What could I do? The footsteps came to my room, but there was no knock. The door barged open and Lilly stormed in, anger strewn across her face, as they ran along with tears.

"Come on, get up," Lilly ordered, sharply.

"What?" I murmured, in shock.

"Pack your things, come on," Lilly told me, clapping her hands. The slap as they hit echoed across the room.

"Has he thrown me out?" was all I managed to say.

"No, he isn't. I'm taking you away though," Lilly replied.

"What?" I hissed.

"I don't want you staying here. It's not good for you, the baby or Dad. You need a female coach right now, so you're coming to live with me," Lilly explained,

"I am?"

"Yes!" Lilly snapped," Now come on, pack but only baggy things. We don't have much room, so any stuff that you won't be needing soon, may as well be left here."

"R...Right," I jumped and began pulling clothes out of my wardrobe," So how did he react?"

I was scared to ask, but I needed to know all the details about all the damage I'd done.

"Bad," Lilly replied, quickly.

"How bad?"

"Furious," Lilly confirmed, seeming emotionless. Was she in so much shock, or so furious herself, that everything she said or did, suggested that she was completely empty of emotion? Had she ran out of space to keep her feelings? I certainly had.

How had one night of horror lead to my life being ripped apart like this?

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**AN: Hope you all had a good Christmas! Since I've all given you an update, for a Christmas present (a slightly late one), maybe you could all leave a quick review as a Christmas present for me? **

**Anastasia xx**


	4. 4, Sweet Sixteen

A Child Yourself

Sweet Sixteen

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I walked down the stairs of Lilly's luxurious home, with my hand trailing along the oak banisters. It was hard not to be envious of Lilly. Everything fell into place for her just like that. She didn't even try, everything was just handed to he on a plate. Even though so many disasters had happened in her life, she'd still somehow ended up with luck on her side. How she did it, I didn't know. Maybe it was _just_ luck?

I followed the hallway into the kitchen and saw Lilly brewing a cup of coffee. One day, I swore, I would find out why it was the only hot beverage she drank. She turned to face me, as she heard me enter the room, and smiled. She looked tired. Beneath her eyes, were dark, purple bags- that was what having a kid did to you. Her hair was hanging loose, in a mess. It was rare she made an effort to look good nowadays, except for when she went to a party.

"Good morning," she greeted, forcing a smile.

"Good morning," I said back.

I went over to the coffee filter and began to pour myself a mug. Without looking at me, Lilly took the filter and put it down.

"You can't have caffeine when you're expecting," Lilly said, flatly.

"Then why have you filled it up to the top? There's loads in there," I asked, promptly.

"I'm tired. James kept me up all night," Lilly explained," I need to be woken up."

So that was why coffee was the only thing she ever drank. But I'd definitely seen her drink it when she was pregnant.

"Where is James?" I asked, looking around the room.

"The lounge, in the moses basket," Lilly replied, rubbing her eyes, with her hands.

I noticed her nails were bright red- newly painted. They hadn't been when she went to bed last night. Had James kept her up so much she got bored and did her nails? Or did my pregnancy cut of my observation skills?

It probably did. It'd changed everything about me. It was like I'm another person. Seriously, it'd changed what I ate, how I felt, how I looked, my weight, my education (Lilly had taken me out of school for the next seven months). Everything.

I was four months gone now. And I was beginning to show. Not so much, only if I was wearing a tight top, but there was a small, defined bump. It felt quite hard too. I remember when Lilly was pregnant, and she'd let me feel her stomach one time, when her baby was kicking. It was like that, only I was not that big. And I hadn't felt my baby kick yet.

_Yet_. Soon, I would.

"Oh, happy birthday!" Lilly said, suddenly.

I turned around to look at her.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"It's May the fifteenth. Your birthday," Lilly pointed out.

"Oh," I said, a bit embarrassed.

It was my birthday?! May the fifteenth. My sixteenth birthday! I'd completely forgotten. How could I forget my sixteenth birthday?

I heard Lilly chuckle softly. Her soft voice, sounding hard and rough- like she had a sore throat. She did sound a bit groggy. Did she have a cold?

"Don't worry, I forgot my twentieth when I was pregnant," Lilly admitted," Then again, so did Jack... Anyway, here you go."

Lilly handed me a card, in a pink envelope. On the front it said my name in Lilly's best swirly hand writing. Knowing her, she probably bought loads of envelopes and wrote on all of them and chose the one which had the best writing hand writing. I swear Lilly's a perfectionist.

"Thanks," I smiled, taking a knife from the door and slitting the top of the envelope open.

I took out the card and found it was one of Lilly's home-made ones. It was decorated with flowers made out of fabric and wire and tissue paper. The numbers one and six were stuck on with those squishy sticky things, to make it look 3D.

"You're welcome. Oh, and Dad's coming around for tea for your birthday," Lilly told me.

"What?!"

I hadn't spoken to the Professor for nearly a month. The last time he said something to me, was before I told him I was pregnant. How would he be tonight?

"Don't worry, I made him promise not to speak about _it_," Lilly said, rather emotionless. She said 'it' pronouncing the 't' very hard.

"Ok," I said, still unsure," Lilly? Can I ask you something?"

"You just did, but yes you can. Shoot," Lilly replied.

"Ok, well. Forgive me, for bringing this up, but recently you and the Professor have been quite... Off, with each other," I said, quite scared as to what Lilly's reaction would be.

"Hmm. I suppose... It's complicated, Flora," Lilly sighed," I guess, well, we're just very different people. Why do you ask?"

"A few months ago, the Professor asked me what I thought about it, and if I'd said anything to me about it. He thought he'd offended you or something," I shrugged.

"Hmm," Lilly murmured," Flora, you have to understand, my life didn't go the way my Father would have wanted it to. And there are times I wonder what I've done with my life, but..."

"But?"

"But, now that everything's happened, I'm glad it has."

"And the Professor's glad you're happy!"

"Is he? He's too 'gentleman-y' to say otherwise, but nothing can stop him from thinking. Yes, he may be glad I'm happy, but I'm sure there are things he'd wish to change about me."

-X-

The clock in the hallway struck six o'clock. The Professor should have been there any minute. Lilly had been cooking since four o'clock- and had refused to let me help. She had to keep asking me what to cook though, because even just the smell of some things made me nauseas.

There was the high-pitched sound of the doorbell and Lilly called from the kitchen, for me to answer the door. As I suspected, it was the Professor.

"Hello Flora," the Professor greeted, smiling," How are you?"

"Fine," I replied," Come in."

The Professor stepped into the house and looked around, as if he was looking for something.

"Hiya!" Lilly called, in a happy sing-song voice.

She came down the hallway from the kitchen and greeted her Dad with a hug. She smiled at me and winked. I rolled my eyes at her, but I was glad Lilly was putting _some _type of effort into maintaining a relationship with her Father. Mine my be destroyed now, with the current situation and I didn't want Lilly to have no one. Well, she has her in-laws. And me. But in-laws aren't the same as real family, and I'm younger than her. Which was why it was alright for me, because I have Lilly. But Lilly, herself, needed someone.

And I had the baby. But, it wasn't the same.

Me being a Mother... Having somebody to care for. It was too much responsibility. Look at Lilly for example, she'd changed so much since she'd had James. How could I, at sixteen, look after a baby?

I was not ready to change. I wasn't ready for anything that was coming for me.

And there was nothing I could do to avoid it.

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**AN: Watched **_Juno _**last night and have now realised how much this story is like it. Such a funny, sad, heart-warming, heart-breaking film!**

**Go crazy with the little review button down there!**

**Anastasia xx**


	5. 5, The Best Thing To Do

**AN: Hello, and would you look at that! An update! Haha! **

**This mentions MikuLover's OC, Sarah Jane Albatross. So, yeah, I don't own her! MikuLover does! The next few chapters will include her!**

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A Child Yourself

Chapter Five, The Best Thing To Do

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I lay awake in the bed, of the spare room in Lilly's house. Even though the room belonged to no one in particular, it was more welcoming than my bedroom back at the Professor's house. The walls were a light, pearly pink and had a border going around the middle, of roses and pansies. There was a built in wardrobe in the corner of the room and a bedside table with a lamp and behind that was a chest of drawers. The curtains were a dark, shade of purple and blocked out the light from the street lamps.

It was quarter past two in the morning, according to the clock up on the wall. Even though I was constantly tired, I could never sleep, even at this time. I had too much on my mind. I rolled over to my back, from my side and looked down. Now, at twenty weeks gone, I was showing. I ran my fingers across the bump and then lay my hand across my stomach.

There was a baby inside me. Inside me!

I didn't know how to feel. Amazed? Or creeped out? I felt both, though I was sure I should only be able to feel one. I was amazed that there was a life growing inside of me. But that also scared me. How could it be... That _that _had happened? After one time... One incident.

It happened one time...

One terrible night...

One time...

That was all it had taken...

Now, I was having a child. A child I couldn't bare to think about. A child I knew I couldn't look after, nor want. Any of the things a child needed, love, safety, stability. I couldn't give a child any of those things. I wasn't even sure if I wanted too.

How could I love the child if they reminded me of _him_? How would I be able to love them if they looked like _him_? How could I give an innocent child a good life if every time I looked at them, I was reminded of those terrible nights?

I couldn't. I couldn't do any of it.

"Oh, so now you're blaming this on me!"

I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard Lilly shout. I jumped up, in shock. What was going on? It sounded like a fight... Was she fighting with her husband, Jack?

Luckily, I hadn't seen Jack much since I'd moved in. Being stuck in a room with your rich brother-in-law, when you're pregnant is just awkward. Jack was at work most of the time. He was gone when I got up and got in just before I went to sleep. Well, there was no coincidence in that; after Jack would come home, I'd excuse myself and say I'd go to bed. On weekends, he was out at business parties or golf or fishing.

Lilly used to always go with him to business parties, but I think she stopped when she found out she was expecting. I don't actually think she enjoyed them much. She liked going out with her own friends, but now they just come over here for a coffee and a chat. Other than to do shopping or work, I don't think Lilly leaves the house much. She always makes sure she looks good though. I think it's a habit of some kind.

"Well, it's definitely not my fault!" I heard Jack yell.

I got up, my lace, white night-gown fell down to my feet. Carefully, I walked over to the wall and stood there, hoping to hear what was going on. I felt bad for eavesdropping on then. They'd let me into their home and all and Lilly had helped me loads, not just in the past few months, but in the past few years! Then again, if they wanted their argument to be private, they should be quieter.

"So? How does that make it automatically mine? Oh, right sorry, I forgot. Seen as, _you're the man of the house _nothing is ever your fault!" Lilly exclaimed in fury.

"Cut the sarcasm, Lil! You really think this is the time?"

"It's two o'clock in the fucking morning! Does it look like the time to be bloody fighting about this?!"

Wow. I'd never heard Lilly swear before. Something really must have upset her.

Suddenly, I head a baby wail and knew it must be James.

"See, now look what you've done!" Jack cried.

"Oh, so this is my fault too?!"

"Look, why the hell are we trying to have another kid, when you can't even look after this one?"

"What the...?" Lilly said, offended and upset," Get out." Lilly demanded, firmly.

"What...?"

"Get out. You can sleep on the couch."

"What? But, Lilly, if we skip now we'll have to wait another month..."

"Well, you should have thought about that before you started accusing me of being a bad Mother."

"You started it!"

"Jack, this isn't a game on the playground. You know what the Doctor said; I may never be able to have children again. How do you think that's making me feel? The last thing I need is you telling me it's my fault."

"Lil, I'm sorry..."

They were speaking quieter now, their voices were barely audible. I pressed my ear closer to the wall.

"Get out, Jack. We'll speak about this tomorrow."

Seconds after, the door of their bedroom slammed shut and loud, angry footsteps, pounded against the stairs.

The rest of the night was so silent, it was unbearable.

-X-

I came downstairs at ten o'clock in the morning, to find Lilly looking at James, as he lay asleep in the carry cot. She sat on the sofa, her feet curled up against her and her arms hanging down into the cot. She looked up, as she heard me enter the room and smiled softly at me. I smiled back.

"Hey," Lilly greeted.

"Hi," I replied.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

I nodded, "Are you?"

Lilly nodded.

We sat in silence for a while, James spluttered a bit, but other than that, it was complete silence. After a few minutes or so, I spoke up.

"Lilly?" I said.

"Yes, Flora?" she asked, turning to me.

"I heard you and Jack last night, arguing," I told her, nervously.

"Hmm," Lilly sighed," Sorry, if we woke you up. When you're expecting, you're tired all the time aren't you?"

"No, don't worry," I said," But the thing is... I couldn't help over hearing, that you may never be able to have children again."

A strange moment came. I regretted what I had said as a variety of emotions washed over Lilly. She smiled, then laughed. Her eyes filled with tears, she looked away, then towards James and she smiled a little more.

"You remember, when I went into labour don't you?" she said.

"Yes, I was there, when your waters broke," I replied, shuddering at the memories, knowing I'd have to go through it soon.

"Well, after I was in the hospital, there were some... Complications," Lilly told me, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I'm not exactly sure what happened, but well, for some reason that was explained to me, but I don't understand or remember, one of my fallopian tubes got blocked, due to an infection when I was pregnant. It nearly killed James, but luckily he was fine. However, for me, as I said, one of my fallopian tubes, doesn't work. Meaning, I can only conceive every other month, instead of every month," Lilly explained.

"But, I heard about that in Biology. And most of the woman who get it can still have kids," I said.

"Yes, that's what I was told too. But a month after James was born, I started getting pains, I thought it was like an aftershock from labour, or a period pain, but it got worse. I went to the clinic about it and was referred to a gynaecologist, where they told me, the infection still hadn't been cured, despite the Doctor's earlier thoughts, and that it had spread over to the other fallopian tube. It wasn't completely damaged, but it's been made weaker. I have about a thirty out of seventy chance of having children again."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be. It's not your fault..."

"But with me... Doesn't it hurt you?"

Lilly looked up and thought for a moment, then turned back to face me.

"No," Lilly answered," What happens, happens. And I can't change that."

"Hmm," I murmured.

There were a few more minutes of silence, I didn't know what to say. Neither did Lilly. Then, I decided to speak up and break the silence again.

"What would you say, if I offered you my baby?" I asked.

"W...What?" Lilly spluttered.

"I can't keep my baby, I'm planning adoption. If you want another baby that bad, you can have mine," I insisted.

Lilly laughed, and received a quizzical look from me.

"Flora, have you listened to yourself?" Lilly asked, chuckling.

"What do you mean?"

"Flora, love," Lilly looked at me seriously," Adoption may be the right answer for you, and it's your choice if you want to go down that road, but you can't give your child to me."

"Why not?" I asked, confused.

"Flora, I don't know how you feel now, but once you see your baby, you love it instantly. Even if you just catch a glimpse, there's an instant attachment. An invisible line. No matter how hard you try, you can't stop loving your own child. Even if you don't want too. Now, most unmarried people, choose adoption, but that doesn't mean you have too."

"I don't care, I don't want my baby!" I cried.

"That may be so, and if you really want to give your baby up for adoption, I won't stop you, but I can't take your child away from you and raise it as my own," Lilly said, sternly.

"Why not?"

"Whenever you see me with the child, you'll feel the most horrible pain ever. Regret, grief, self-pity, angst, most emotions like that, all at once. I can't cause you that pain. If you give away your baby..." Lilly sighed and ran her hands through her hair," I could never bear to give James away. Even though I considered it when I was pregnant, once he was born, I knew I could never bear to be apart."

"I know, but... That's different. I can't look after myself, let alone someone else. And I don't want a kid at all. You and me are very different people. And I don't like babies. Small children. I'm adamant about it, I don't want children."

"Well, if you're sure, then I will not stand in your way. But I won't take your child, even if you want me too," Lilly said, sounding certain," If I really can't have kids, I'll adopt someone's child, who I don't know. But even then, I'd be wracked with guilt, for the rest of my life."

"Ok, but can you help me get in touch with an adoption service or something, so they can find a family for my baby, then?" I asked.

My sister grinned and stood up.

"Actually, I have a very good friend, who can't have children, but wants them," Lilly told me, smiling like it was her who'd put all this together. Well, in a way she had.

"Really?"

"You've met Sarah haven't you? Sarah Jane Albatross? She's a friend of my Father's and mine. She used to play the piano, at the Bistro when I sang there. I'm sure you've met her..." Lilly said.

"Oh, yes!" I cried, happy.

"I'll go and ring her and we'll all speak about things, yes? I won't say anything on the phone. I'll just ask her if she wants to come over for lunch tomorrow."

I nodded, eagerly. Lilly laughed slightly, then went over to the dining room to the telephone.

I may not have been able to give my child a good life, but someone else out there could. And hopefully, would.

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**AN: Oooh. So what are people's thoughts? Tell me!**

**So worst chapter so far? Best chapter so far? TELL ME!**

**Anastasia xx**


	6. 6, The Offer That Changes Everything

**AN: Hello! Sorry, it's been ages!** **Updates will come every 2 days now!**

**I do not own Sarah Jane Albatross, she belongs to MikuLover.**

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A Child Yourself

Chapter 6, The Offer That Changes Everything

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I sat quietly on the sofa, whilst Lilly whizzed around the living room with the vacuum cleaner. The noise had been upsetting James, so I had ended up having to take him outside for a walk to get him away from the noise. It was strange when I looked at James, knowing that soon I would have my own baby. Well, I would be a Mother, but I wouldn't be a Mum. Someone else, maybe Sarah, would be the one my child would call 'Mum'. Though the child has my genes, they also have his and I can't bear to look at a child and see him.

When Sarah arrived, she spent the time cooing over James. Sarah was one of Lilly's best friends and was James' Godmother, yet I could see the pain in her eyes when she looked at James. She looked at him and her heart would melt, but it would harden at the same time. She saw me and looked surprised, but did well to hold it. Unlike everyone else, she didn't stare at me in horror...but more in jealousy.

Lilly was in the kitchen making lunch and I left the living room to go and ask her when to bring the offer up and she told me to just do it. No hesitation; just do it. So, I walked back into the living room, terrified.

"Umm... Sarah?" I began.

"Yes, Flora?" Sarah said, looking up from James' cradle.

I wasn't sure what to say. This was such a hard thing to do, I was offering this woman a baby! My baby! Something that would change her life. Something that would change my life! Lilly had said that I would think about my baby everyday for the rest of my life and probably regret it. I agreed, but I also knew it was what was best and I would probably regret keeping the baby. And how would I be able to look at that baby everyday? That would cause me more pain.

"Well, you can see clearly, that I'm expecting," I started, staring down at my bloated stomach. Being five months gone, things were getting obvious.

"Yes, I didn't want to point it out, but yes," Sarah smiled; a forced smile. I could see her jealousy.

"Well, the thing is, I can't keep my baby, I'm only sixteen and..." I shut my hand over my mouth. I was speaking too quickly and I couldn't tell anyone what had happened that night. Sarah looked alarmed at my sudden outburst, but she stayed silent and I carried on, only this time I was slower and more... careful, "Ok, well, I didn't want to bring this up and I'm sure you don't want me to either, but Lilly told me you can't have kids and want them desperately and I'm not keeping my baby, so … I want you to have it," I explained, saying it so quickly it was a wonder Sarah actually understood me.

"What?" Sarah murmured, she looked shocked, "Flora, I..."

"Please accept my offer," I pleaded," Please, it would be such a burden off my shoulders."

Sarah looked down and shook her head, then looked back up at me.

"Flora, I could never take something that important from you..."

"You can!" I exclaimed.

Why was this so hard? Why wouldn't she just accept? All I wanted was to find a home for my baby, and I'd found one! Sarah wanted a baby and my baby was there! Why wouldn't she just say yes?!

"Flora, I couldn't possibly..."

"Sarah please," I begged, interrupting again. My head fell into my hands and I sighed," Sarah, I don't want this child, I can't keep it. I don't love it like a Mother should, but I want it to have a good home. I know you can give it a good home and I know you want to give it a good home...please?"

Sarah didn't say anything and looked at me in utter shock. Lilly came into the room moments later.

"Sarah, can I speak to you a minute?" Lilly asked, smiling, holding the door open, for Sarah.

Sarah nodded and went into the hallway. Lilly shut the door and I was left alone with James- being with him was the last thing I needed, but it couldn't be helped so I just stayed away from him (or any babies for that matter) as much as possible.

Sarah and Lilly were in the hallway for several minutes. I couldn't hear a word they were saying, so I just sat quietly in the living room. I considered trying to hear their conversation, but what was the point? And it would be very awkward and hard to explain if they caught me.

I was glad when the living room door finally opened and Sarah and Lilly finally came back into the living room, as over the past month I'd noticed that being pregnant causes you to need the toilet a lot more than normal. And it can be painful.

Both of them looked very happy and were possibly about to burst out squealing. Lilly isn't that mature and the more time people spend with her, the more childish they become.

"So, Flora, Sarah has something she'd like to say," Lilly grinned, her eyes turned to Sarah.

Sarah looked terrified, but ecstatic too. She could feel a lot of pressure on her, I was sure, but she spoke.

"I'd be honoured, if you chose me to adopt your baby."

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**AN: So, Sarah is going to adopt Flora's baby! Who saw that coming?**

**I hope you liked it, if you did: review, if you didn't: review!**

**Anastasia x**


	7. 7, Legal and Illegal Actions

**AN: Thanks to SausageMahoney98 for betaing this chapter and the last! xx**

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A Child Yourself

Chapter 7, Legal and Illegal Actions

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"Why do we have to do this?" I asked Lilly, as she hurried around the living room making sure everything was immaculate- she even straightened out the magazines!

"Because if you don't, Sarah will be adopting your baby illegally," Lilly replied, sounding fed up and irritated.

"It's not my baby," I reminded her, "It's Sarah's."

"Uh-huh," Lilly replied, making it very obvious that she wasn't listening to what I said. "And you should be grateful, I'm the one who made it so that the meeting was here and not at Sarah's."

"What? Why wouldn't it be at Sarah's?" I questioned, letting myself tumble down onto the sofa, frumpily.

As I landed, the sofa cushions sort of jumped up. Lilly frowned at this, considering that she had only just plumped the cushions up, as of she were stuffing a turkey, a few minutes ago. I smiled slightly as Lilly rolled her eyes. She wasn't really mad; I could tell if she was.

I stopped smiling as I looked down at the bump on my stomach that was still continuing to grow at an irritatingly steady pace. Now it was ten weeks before the baby's due date and not only were the symptoms of pregnancy being persistent and refusing surrender, but as time went on, they were exceeding a rate so high that I wondered how I would cope if they went on like this- and I was sure they would.

Mood swings weren't actually that bad. I think Lilly's calm, laid-back style did help with that though and I was certain that if she were stressy and moany, I would be too. Morning sickness wasn't really morning sickness, since it didn't just happen in the morning but all the time. There were certain things, like chicken and mayonnaise, that I couldn't stand the smell of at all, seemed to trigger the nausea also, but I could just be watching TV or reading a book, when all of a sudden it would strike. Back pains were beginning to become a bit of a problem too and I couldn't really see my feet either, which annoyed me- especially since they hurt so much.

Out of all the symptoms that I was experiencing- and being tormented by- the worst had to be sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, even though I wasn't even particularly tired all the time. The first few months, I was bubbling with emotions so severely that it took the idea of sleep away from me completely. Now, things had calmed down since I knew the baby would have a good home, but I just seemed mentally drained all the time. And even if I wasn't tired, all I'd want to do was to sit down or lie down and close my eyes; maybe listening to the tinkling of some relaxing music or something. Annoyingly, however, it was when I was asleep that the baby seemed to be awake the most and kicking none stop. Like the lining of my insides was a drum.

"Hello? Flora Reinhold?" Lilly called, in a sarcastic whistle, clapping her hands, "Wake up! They'll be here in three minutes- or less."

I fluttered my eyes open, not realising that they'd even been closed to see Lilly desperately trying to dust the selection of ornaments she and Jack owned that sat on top of the mantle piece. Since I'd been asleep, she'd changed from her casual wear of jeans and a jumper to a pencil skirt, blouse and black jumper.

"How long have I been asleep?" I asked, yawning and stretching.

"About twenty minutes or so," Lilly answered, still frantically cleaning an already very tidy living room, "Now if you're not going to help, go and change, or wash your face or... Something."

I rolled my eyes and reluctantly pushed myself up. It took a lot of energy and effort to move even now, so I had no idea how I would cope in the last couple of weeks before the baby would be born. After waddling up the stirs and trudging across the hallway, I made it into the bathroom where I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and changed into my old pink laced dress that I'd worn in St Mystere so I'd at least look presentable.

Putting on the dress reminded me of my old life, back in St Mystere before the Professor took me away to live with me and adopted me. I began thinking about my own Mother and what she would say if she were here now. Obviously, if she was here, then none of this would be happening now. I would have never left St Mystere and that night would never have happened; either of them. I would be living the luxurious life in the Baron Manor.

There was a strong knock on the front door, the sound echoed throughout the house, and once I heard Lilly open the door and greet someone called Sarah (though of course I knew it was Sarah Albatross) I scrambled out of the room and down the stairs to find Sarah standing in the hallway with a woman in similar clothing to Lilly, though she did look a lot older than Lilly. Mid-forties or fifties maybe?

"Oh, Mrs Marchington, this is Flora Reinhold," Lilly introduced, gesturing to me. "She is the Mother of the baby."

"It's not my baby," I hissed.

"If today doesn't go well it will be," Lilly muttered back, before giving a smile to the woman who I didn't know, but assumed was Mrs Marchington, "Now Flora, this is Mrs Marchington, she's a social worker and will be working close with you and Sarah until you have the baby- if we decide to go ahead with the adoption after today."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs Marchington," I greeted, smiling, shaking her hand.

"As you, but please, call me Jane," she said shaking my hand.

"Now shall we proceed to the living room?" Lilly suggested, gesturing towards the living room.

As Sarah and Jane made their way into the living room, I gave Lilly a strange look.

"Proceed?" I queried, giggling slightly.

"It's what they say at all those posh parties," Lilly shrugged, laughing slightly herself.

Once we were all in the living room, we sat down on the two sofas with Lilly and me on one and Sarah and Jane on the other. In between us was a table with bits of nibbles on it. I was about to take one (I was hungry all the time) but I didn't want to be the first one to be and even though it was where I was living- and I also had a feeling that no one else would be taking any food anytime soon- I still decided not to.

"Now, so Flora I'm going to ask you some questions regarding the adoption proceeder, will that be all right?" Jane asked, taking out a clipboard from her large canvas bag.

"Of course," I replied, smiling. I hated those situations where someone asked you a question and you had no choice but to say yes. Especially saying yes to that question in particular. I knew that she was in the position to ask me anything regarding my pregnancy and if I wanted Sarah to have my baby (which I did more than anything at that time) I would have to answer- and not necessarily would I be saying the truth.

"Well, the first questions are regarding any medical conditions, but we'll start with you," the social worker explained, "So how far are you through your pregnancy?"

"Twenty six weeks," I answered, that one was true, of course.

"And have there been any complications with the pregnancy?" Jane asked, continuing the interview.

"No," I shook my head.

"When was your last doctor's appointment?"

"Six weeks ago; when I was twenty weeks."

"And what did they say there?"

"Just to carry on being careful with what I eat and do, and so on."

"Okay," Jane smiled, one that was as fake as mine and Lilly's, before turning to the next page on the clipboard, "May I ask your relationship to Mrs Harrison here?"

I looked around to face Lilly, slightly confused. Obviously, it didn't take me long to realise she meant Lilly. I just found it hard to remember that she was now married and had a different surname, I had always thought she would stay a Layton, even if she did get married. Lilly had wondered if it was 'baby brain' that made me forget things, but before I knew (and possibly before I was) I'd had trouble getting used to it. Though a lot of time had passed now, maybe the 'baby brain' played a small part in it.

"Oh, Lilly? She's my sister," I answered.

"Do you only have the same mother or father?" Jane questioned.

"I'm sorry...?" I asked, confused.

"Well, Mrs Harrison's maiden name is Layton, whilst yours is Reinhold," Jane explained.

"Oh, sorry for the confusion, Mrs Marchington, but we're related through adoption," Lilly explained, as I mentally thanked her for taking over, "My Father adopted her."

"So, you're adopted," Mrs Marchington nodded, writing down some notes on her clipboard- that I was desperate to read," When did Mrs Harrison's Father adopt you, Flora?"

"Just over a year and a half ago now," I replied.

"And you're now staying with Mrs Harrison and her family?"

"Yes, we decided that she should stay with me, as we thought that having a woman with her would help," Lilly cut in again.

"I see," Jane murmured, "Though since your father has custody of Flora, Mrs Harrison, he will have to attend some the meetings, however."

"Meetings?" I asked, "Just how many will there be?"

"One a week," Jane explained, "If both you and Sarah decide to go ahead with the adoption, then we will have to monitor both your progresses constantly."

"Oh," I said. I hadn't realised that we would have to go through all of this, "But Lilly said this was a private adoption..."

"It is," Jane confirmed, "You found the Mother for your child through your friends- not an agency. You have to go through this procedure."

"Oh," I repeated.

"Anyway, onto the adoption. Flora, how do you feel about giving your baby up for adoption?" Jane asked.

"Glad. Well, I want to do it, if that's what you mean. I don't want my baby," I told her, hoping the meeting would be over soon.

"And why don't you want your baby?" Jane asked, patronizingly.

"Because I'm only sixteen and... I just don't see it as my baby," I replied.

"Okay," Jane said, turning to another page on the clipboard, "And what about the Father?"

"I'm sorry?" I asked, nearly choking on a gasp.

"The Father of the baby? Does he know about this?" Jane questioned.

I could feel my heart stopping and beating fast at the same time, as everyone in the room turned to face me. I hadn't told anyone what had happened with him, not even Lilly, and I wasn't planning on telling anyone. I'd hoped that I would never have to tell anyone, but now, it looked like I had no choice.

I was about to answer and say that I had no contact with him, because technically, this was true. He'd moved miles away and I hadn't heard from him (not that I wanted to). However, once I'd opened my mouth to speak, I couldn't speak. The words couldn't escape; I had to keep them trapped.

"Flora?" Lilly said, carefully placing her hand on my arm.

I didn't want to tell anyone. I couldn't. I'd done so well to block out those painful memories and I couldn't let them come back. It was far too painful to think about and the reoccurring dreams that I had made it bad enough. Speaking about it... I couldn't. I just couldn't.

As if I had no control over myself whatsoever, I jumped up and ran out of the living room and up to my bedroom. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and although I'd been stopping myself from crying since that awful night, I now knew that I needed to cry. And it didn't matter if it ruined the adoption, or if Lilly would freak out, or what the social worker would think. I knew that I needed to cry and just let it out. No matter what the consequences were.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but I hadn't moved at all; I'd simply just sat on my bed, curled up, crying. But half an hour could have passed, or half a minute could have passed. I really had no idea. After however long it had been, there was a soft knock on my door.

"Flora?" Lilly said, softly, "Flora it's me. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I answered, through a muffled snob.

The door quietly opened and Lilly made her way in, before shutting the door and giving me a small, sad smile and then, sitting down at the end of my bed. I looked up shyly, like a deer, making its way through a forest- a big, dangerous, frightening forest. After a few moments, Lilly broke the silence. Or rather, interrupted it.

"Flora," Lilly began quietly, "I should have had this conversation with you when you first told me you were pregnant. I guess I've just been dreading it as much as you. You know, it's a big thing. And I don't want to think of you as... Well."

"Impure?" I guessed.

"Well, I'm not as against sex as most people are," Lilly chuckled quietly, "I mean, that would make me a bit of a hypocrite."

"What?" I asked, confused, wiping the tears away and sitting up.

"Do you remember when Dad paid me to give you the talk and you asked if I'd had sex?" Lilly asked.

"You said 'no comment'," I remembered.

"Yes, and what do you think that meant?" Lilly questioned.

"You... You had," I finished.

"Yes," Lilly confirmed, "I just didn't want to say it out loud, but I didn't want to lie either."

"So, you and Jack...?"

"Yes. The night of my sixteenth birthday."

Lilly smiled and I could tell she was remembering that night. She didn't say anything, but I was glad; I didn't exactly want her telling me about how she lost her impurity. Just the same as I didn't want to tell her about me losing mine. But, I knew I had to. So, I went ahead.

"But that wasn't how it was for me," I whispered, the tears coming back, "And not just because I was younger."

"No," Lilly shook her head, swinging her legs around, so she was sitting cross-legged on the bed, "I didn't think it was. No offence or anything, but I can't picture you..."

"It happened twice," I told her, not really listening to what she was saying properly, "Well, technically one. The second time, I was too scared that he would do it anyway, even if I said no, so I did it."

"So when were you raped?" Lilly asked, calmly.

"Clive Dove," I answered, emotionless, "The fortress."

"Wha... What?" Lilly jumped up, "It was him?!"

I jumped back, scared of her reaction. I'd decided not to tell anyone, because I'd been afraid of this reaction. A second ago, Lilly had been so calm, which was exactly why I'd told her. I'd expected her to stay calm, but no; I could see how angry she was. Mad; furious; shocked; disgusted.

"When? When we kidnapped you? But, but, you were there no longer than an half an hour!" Lilly cried, arms flapping about.

"Lilly, please don't be mad..." I began.

"Mad? Oh, god, I'm more than mad! I'm bloody furious!" Lilly yelled, "He's in jail for twenty years for his terrorism! He should be up for ten for rape as well!"

"But what difference does it make...?" I began.

"It makes a bloody lot of difference!" Lilly cried, "Oh, my god! Why didn't you say?!"

"Because I didn't know how people would react! I didn't want to have to go to court and announce to a crowd of strangers that a man sitting a few metres away from me had raped me!" I was speaking quietly, but I had tried to shout. I suppose that I didn't have the energy to do so.

"Well, you're going to have to do that anyway!" Lilly cried, "He is not getting away with this!"

"No, Lilly, please!" I protested, "Please calm down and listen to me!"

"What?!" Lilly demanded, in a low hiss, crossing her arms.

"He's going to be in prison for twenty years anyway. He's getting punished, for something else and... It was ages ago now. People will just think it's a lie. I don't want to be branded a liar as well as a whore for this baby."

Lilly looked at me, before answering. I carried on staring at her, making it possibly look like I was telepathically begging and pleading. I was sure she was trying to calm down, and eventually, it worked.

"Okay," she muttered, "If you're sure. But this baby. Is it Clive's?"

"No," I nodded, "I was dating someone and they... They wanted to do it and I was too scared to say no, incase they raped me like Clive did. But he knew I didn't want to do it."

"Then that's just as bad," Lilly nodded.

"And it's the reason I don't want this baby," I told her, "I don't want to have to look at a baby everyday and have he or she remind me of either of them."

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**AN: I know I said I would update every two days, but I updated twice in two days, so that's just better isn't it? :D **

**Thanks to everyone who's reading! Fancy leaving a review as well?  
**

**Also, any of you lovely people fancy checking out some of my other stories? Lillyesque is my fic about Lilly, and the amount of readers seem to go down lot, so if I get any new readers on that, I'll be very happy! :)**

**Anastasia xx**


	8. 8, Baby Talk

A Child Yourself

Chapter 8, Baby Talk

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Ever since telling Lilly the truth about what had really happened, things seemed to get better. I mean, other than Lilly knowing and the size of my stomach, nothing else had changed. We never brought it up or spoke about it, but somehow Lilly just knowing made all the difference. Until that time when I had told Lilly, I'd never felt a desperate urge to tell anyone and I had a feeling that I never would- all I wanted to do was forget about it. But now I knew if I ever did need to speak about it, I could.

It seemed strange how things were getting easier as they went along. Apart from the ghastly looks I got went I did go out, things were perfect. Well, there was still a life inside me, but to me, that didn't matter anymore. What mattered was that the life inside me, would have a good life. A happy life. And it would give Sarah a happiness not even I could think about experiencing.

Of course, I was going through the hardest part of all, but it didn't matter. It really didn't. To me, it just seemed that the harder things I went through, the better I would feel when it was all over. And that was what kept me going.

I managed to stay happy through the last part of the pregnancy. Even though I had those horrible meetings with the social worker, I was still able to stay happy. After all, the worst was still to come.

I'd heard different things from different sources, but I was sure I knew which one to trust. One of the pregnancy books I'd read had said that giving birth was the hardest part of the pregnancy, but since that line was followed with 'but once your baby is born, you realise that it was worth it.' I knew that Lilly was right: giving the baby away would be the hardest thing I would most likely ever do. If seeing your baby for the first time made hours of pain bearable, then to me, giving birth would be simple. Because though I knew that I didn't want the baby, I also knew it would be incredibly hard to give it to Sarah. Even if I knew that it was going to a good home.

Once I was in the final few days of pregnancy, I realised each day how hard it would be. And the more I thought about it, the more difficult it seemed to be. Though it got to the point where I was too tired to think. It seemed that I had no energy to do anything, not even get out off bed. Lilly had explained that it was the baby taking all the energy, so I'd tried to eat more (not that I _could _stop eating) but that didn't make any difference for me; however the baby seemed to become more and more lively.

It got to the point where if I could get out of bed, I would just lie on the sofa sleeping all day. And eating, of course. Though, as my mind stumbled across some thoughts I never thought I'd think, I found it impossible to sleep.

"Lilly?" I asked, looking up from the TV, towards my sister. Lilly had been cooing towards a now rather big baby. It seemed mad that not even a year ago he'd made Lilly look like an elephant.

"Yes," she answered, looking up from James' eyes, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I was just, um... Thinking," I replied.

"About?" Lilly asked, staring back at James and making wide-eyed faces.

"What if... I were to keep the baby?" I questioned, slowly.

Lilly seemed to freeze subtly, carefully she put James down against her shoulder and gave me a stern look.

"Flora," she whispered, "This is why I told you to be sure about adoption... That baby's days away from arriving. You can't let Sarah down now. "

"What? No," I interrupted, "I'm not having second thoughts, or anything. I'm just... I was just wondering. You know, it is a baby. If I were to keep it, my life would be completely and forever changed."

"Like everyone else's," Lilly shrugged, smiling, "Like mine was when I had James."

"But, I'm a lot younger then you were," I pointed out.

"Which is why adoption is the best option."

I could tell what she was doing; she was trying to put my faith back in adoption again. Well, it had never been taken out. I definitely didn't want the baby. I was just wondering what it would be like. I knew that was where it all started, but... Somehow I knew, that wasn't what I wanted.

"Yeah, I know," I smiled. Lilly began cooing at James again; sticking out her tongue and such, "What does James mean to you?"

"What do you mean?" Lilly asked, not looking away from her son.

"You know. He's your son- what does that mean to you?"

"It means..." Lilly didn't finish the sentence. Instead, she shook her head and stared at me, "Flora, love, one day, you'll have a baby. One of your own, not this one, but one when you're older. Maybe twenty-five, twenty-six. Not nineteen like me..."

"And not sixteen like me now," I cut in.

"Yeah," she nodded, "And... And you'll be happy, Like I am now,"

"Do you think you'll have more children then?" I questioned.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," Lilly answered, dreamily, "You know, I don't care what doctors say. I will one day have another baby. You know, I want a little girl, who I can teach how to paint and sew, do arty things with. I've always liked the name Isabella. And Violet. Violet's nice too."

"What about boys?" I asked.

"Oh, there's little Jasper and Ethan. Take after their Father; hot and smart, " Lilly winked, making me giggle, "All sporty... When it's the Summer, we can get bikes and go out into the country."

I grinned at the dreamy, happy look on Lilly's face as she told me what she really wanted. As she spoke, I realised how much James had changed her. Before, she'd been a singer doing performances at a Bistro and some of Jack's work parties. Then, her dreams were to get a record deal and songs on the charts. Every day, she'd get up at about ten or eleven and leave at twelve, and meet Jack for lunch. Then she'd come back at about half past one, before going out again at four and meeting her friends who were either working or at 'd stay out till six, then come back and finally go out again with either Jack or maybe some other friends. I would go to bed and she still wouldn't be back. Even nights when she worked, she'd stay at the Bistro afterwards.

Then, she'd gotten pregnant.

At first, she'd broken down. She'd been adamant about not wanting the baby and had considered terminating the baby. But she realised she couldn't do it. And I knew how she felt; I couldn't terminate my baby. But then, as Lilly got bigger, she did nothing but spoke about the baby. All dreamily and happy, like she just had. Slowly but surely, things began to change. She moved out, got married (in a very big rush) and saw her friends less and less. Now, all her friends loved James and came around several times a week to see him. But still, she never went out anymore. And not only did she ever go out, but she didn't care either. She was perfectly happy with never leaving the house and looking after James.

Having a baby changed Lilly completely. And I knew if I kept my baby, I'd change completely too. And I wasn't ready to change for anybody just yet. Not even my own baby.

"Anyway," Lilly said. She'd obviously carried on talking as I'd began to day dream, "I'm hungry. Are you? Of course you are," Lilly chuckled, standing up, with James still in her arms, "I'll go and put this little one down, then I'll go and get us something to eat and we can watch a film."

I gave her a smile as she walked past me, before closing my eyes. I knew I wouldn't go to sleep, but it still felt comforting to do. Relaxing.

I scrunched up against the sofa, the massive bulge falling into the back of the settee, and snuggled down. When suddenly, a trickle of warm water ran down my legs.


	9. 9, 20 Seconds

A Child Yourself

Chapter Nine, 20 Seconds

* * *

I knew I would be terrible at giving birth. There was no doubt about it. I wasn't strong, nor was I particularly lucky. Even though child-birth was a perfectly natural thing, it was the hardest thing I'd gone through; so far.

At first things started of very slowly, but since it was such a terrifying thing, it was a bit of a daze and I could barely remember it. All the moments just blurred into one second. One second that seemed to, if never happened, be a dream. But of course, I knew it had happened.

After my waters had broke, I'd shouted for Lilly, who then drove me (and baby James in the back) to the hospital. Every second of the journey had been awful. We'd both spent it helplessly anticipating the contractions to start, but they never did. I just sat there, biting my nails, head against the cool, damp window-pane and my other hand was holding my stomach, ready to try and calm down any abrupt pains- not that it would work much. Whereas Lilly, on the other hand, was gripping the steering wheel and swerving around all the corners. James of course, just sat in his seat shaking a rattle, with no idea what was going on.

Thinking about that, made me think (and helped me distract myself) about the baby. The baby inside me would have no idea what was going on at all. Though it must be terrifying for them. Lilly had (since I refused to go to any ante-natal classes) told me about how the baby found the womb all warm and comfortable. And being born into a damp, depressing hospital, wouldn't that be frightening? No wonder they cried so much!

It was then that I realised how real things were. There was a baby. A real living person inside me; coming out of me! Until then, things had just been all fuzzy, but now they seemed to spring to life. Like an array of fireworks springing to life and bursting with sparkly colours. And the more I thought about it, the more real it became. And the more real it became, the more scary it became. But I couldn't turn back. Even though I desperately wanted to.

When we arrived at the hospital- and the dreaded contractions still had yet to start- Lilly jumped out and walked slowly beside me, with James in her arms. We signed it at the reception, to a very snooty receptionist, and I was then taken to a ward.

Lilly left me at that point. I could tell that she wanted to leave and she still had James with her. My older sister didn't want to re-live- even if it was just watching and encouraging- someone go through something that hadn't gone well for her, and could possibly never happen for her again. And I doubted they'd let James in also. However, she promised to ring Sarah, since we'd decided that she would be there for the birth, and as she went towards the payphone, I was taken into a ward in a wheelchair.

It was clear the midwives and nurses were all shocked to realise that I was only sixteen. After all, it was something rare and many people thought it was inappropriate. However, although it was frowned upon they seemed to treat me just as kindly and with just as much respect as they would with a married woman. In fact, they possibly treated me nicer than they had with Lilly.

Lilly's birth had been a dramatic one to say the least. I had been with her for the start of her labour and well, that had been enough. According to the story Lilly told us after the birth, it had only gotten worse. When James had been born there'd been a lot of complications, a lot of blood and a lot of pain; she'd been bedridden for three days afterwards. Apparently, she had an epidural, which didn't work and so just caused more pain. She'd also said that the baby got stuck, meaning that they had to use forceps to get him out.

I knew something like that would happen to me. There was no way that I would go through something like this easily.

After Lilly had left and before Sarah arrived, I was changed into a night, bland hospital gown and placed on a bed. There was a small button by my bed, which I were to press incase something happened. And it took much longer than expected before anything happened.

Sarah arrived just before the first contraction started and as soon as I saw her, I knew I was doing the right thing in giving the baby to her. Though I didn't love or want my baby, I felt for it and cared for it. And if I wasn't going to take care of the baby, I wanted someone who would. And I knew Sarah would. She was a loving, caring woman and would be a loving, caring Mother too.

The first contraction wasn't that bad. It was like a stomach cramp only it seemed to dig deeper; further down. It didn't last long- thirty seconds maybe- but I was still glad that Sarah was there. Not just because I had someone to hold my hand, but because I wanted her to remember every second of her child being born. Every woman remembered the birth of their child and since this was Sarah's child, I wanted her to remember it all. Even if she wasn't actually doing the work.

After the first contraction, things seemed to move a lot quicker. Sort of like how the car journey had been. At first, the contractions were fairly spaced out- somewhere between fifty minutes and an hour- but over time, they gradually grew closer. A few hours later, they came every forty-five minutes. Then an hour after that, it was every half an hour. Then finally, after nine and a half hours of the horrible pains, the contractions seemed to barely have any amount of time between them. Well, not with the aftershock of the pain, which lasted a minute or so.

Before I went into the delivery room, things were simple. Well, I didn't have to do anything except grit my teeth through the shots of pain, whilst they lasted- which was about twenty to thirty seconds. Then, when the midwife said I was fully dialated and Sarah gave a squeal of excitement, was when things got... Well, not awful- it could have been a lot worse- but, to be frank, difficult.

I didn't find the delivery room to be to different from the previous room I was in, just a bit smaller really. And with two other women in blue scrubs, standing in corner. The bed I was wheeled in on, was pulled into the centre of the room, with the head against the wall and my legs were hauled up, so they could see where the baby was coming out.

"Alright, Flora," the woman who had wheeled me in said, "It's not long now. About fifteen minutes left."

I noticed a wide grin spread across Sarah's face and she gripped the side of the bed in excitement. Seeing her so excited made me realise how much I had to do this. Not just so that it could be over and done with and that life could turn back to normal, but so that Sarah could have what she'd always wanted.

All of a sudden, a pain like a knife on fire slitting through me, ripped through my abdomen; worse than any of the other contractions. I screamed out in pain, grabbing Sarah's hand tightly, trying to convert my pain into hers. The pain didn't seem to stop, it just seemed to go on and on and on. Like it was lost and trying to find a way out of an unsolvable maze.

"Push, push, push!" the midwife at the end instructed, hastily.

I did as she said and forced down all the pressure I could on my stomach. My eyes closed tightly, as I bit my lip, trying to stop myself from wailing.

"Come on, Flora!" Sarah encouraged. I could hear the giddiness in her voice.

The contraction then seemed to stop, but the pain was still there. Not as heavy as before, but not as faint as to not be there now. Taking a deep breath, I looked around at Sarah, who was trying not to cry.

"Okay, Flora, that was really good; well done," one of the midwives- I didn't know which- said, "When the next contraction comes, you're going to have to push as hard as you can. It'll last about twenty seconds and I want you count up to that number as soon as it starts. Then it will all be over."

"Okay..." I breathed, as several drops of sweat dripped down from my forehead.

About thirty seconds later, the contraction hit.

_One, two, three, four, five..._

The contraction pushed; I pushed. Forcing down every ounce of energy that I had in me. All the tiredness, back pains and the nausea had nothing on this; that was a nap on a bed of feathers.

_...Six, seven, eight, nine, ten..._

Looking up at Sarah, I saw tears rolling down her eyes. One hand was firmly wrapped around mine and the other was up against her mouth. I tried to think about how she would be feeling, but I knew I couldn't. Thinking about how a Mother would love a child, would just make giving the baby to her harder. The baby would have a better life with Sarah and Sarah would have a better life with a child- that she so desperately wanted.

Knowing I was giving Sarah the best gift anybody could ever receive... That was what encouraged me to carry on. I wasn't going to give up now.

_...Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen..._

The pain excelled and no words could describe it. It was twisting, pulling, pushing, pressing, tightening, dark, ugly... So many things. I knew it was nearly over. Then I would have my baby.

..._Sixteen..._

No. Not my baby. Sarah's baby! Then, Sarah would have her baby.

..._Seventeen..._

I glanced back at Sarah... She wanted this... She wanted it more than me... She deserved it more than me... I'd promised this to her.

_...Eighteen..._

The baby. It was an actual, living person. And it couldn't be something I could just throw out of my life and into someone else's like a toy.

_...Nineteen..._

Then again, it was my baby. I'd carried it, it had my genes. The baby was rightfully mine. I didn't have to give Sarah my baby; the social worker said it was all up to me until the baby was six weeks old... But no, it was too late to back out now. IT wasn't fair if I dropped out now. I'd promised this baby to Sarah... I'd promised...

_...Twenty._

Then, a new cry filled the air. And it changed everything.

* * *

**AN: That was my first birth scene. Was it good, or terrible? **

**Thanks to **_AxelthePyromaniac_ **and** _Amy Angel Allen_ **for the reviews! :D xx**

**Nx**


	10. 10, Lullaby

A Child Yourself 

Chapter 10, Lullaby

* * *

It was a girl. And she was Sarah's.

Secretly- until I'd made my mind up for sure, I knew I couldn't tell anybody- I hadn't known what to do. When my eyes first fell down on her... I couldn't describe it. Again, it all seemed like a fuzz. Like it couldn't be real; a dream. After all, how was it that someone as ordinary as me had birthed an angel as beautiful as her?

Even though things around me were as confusing as they could be, when I saw my daughter, everything fell into place. Looking down at her for the first time, I couldn't help but smile. She was crying and her eyes were hidden behind her eyelids and long, black eye lashes. She had a snub, button nose and her face was sligthly red from the streks of my blood, but it didn't matter. I could just see one of her hands, which was sticking out from the blanket and her small fingers, clasping onto the palm of her hand.

She was... Gorgeous. I'd always thought looking at the baby would just remind me of _him,_ but it didn't. She didn't remind me of anyone to be perfectly honest. She just looked like, well, her. I suppose their was a hint of me in her, but that just seemed to make her all the more perfect.

Then, it dawned on me. She wasn't mine. And really, she never had been. Even before I promised her to Sarah, even then I knew there was no way I could take care of a baby.

As Sarah rushed over to the midwife to take the baby from her, all the realistation flooded into my head. I stared wide-eyed at Sarah as she cradled the baby. I couldn't describe the emotions that came across Sarah's face, as she held her baby. There was a mix of happiness, shock and fear; she was like me, completely overwhelmed with emotions. Only she was overjoyed- the fear only there, because no new Mother would have none- whereas I wasn't quite sure how I felt.

I was happy for Sarah, of course I was. But... Giving her to Sarah was going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I didn't even think I would see the baby. I didn't think they'd let me. I even felt like I shouldn't look, but I couldn't help it.

She was my baby. A real, living baby. It turned out that after all, I did love her. And I knew that if I really did love her, then I would do what was best for her and give her to Sarah. Sarah already loved her, maybe more than I did. And if that wasn't enough, Sarah had the resources, the money, the life. If I kept the child, nothing good would happen, I knew that.

I was only sixteen, I had only done my GCSEs before I found out I was pregnant, and now I wanted to do my A-levels and then, go to University and do psychology. I couldn't do that with a baby. On the other hand, Sarah had wanted a child for years, but couldn't have any. If I took this baby away from her, there was a very good chance she may never be able to adopt again. I knew that it wasn't about that and it was more about the welfare of the the baby and me, but I couldn't ignore any of the facts.

No matter how much it would hurt, or how much I would regret it, Sarah was the Mother of the baby. And looking at her with the baby, told me that I had made the right and best decision.

-X-

"Would you like to say goodbye?"

It was a hard question to answer. And I had less than a few seconds to give my answer.

It was two days after the birth of Sarah's baby and Sarah was taking her daughter home, as I was told. I was being kept in for another day, just to make sure I was all right.

I knew that I'd never see her again, which was why it was such a hard question to answer. I'd met her once, but I hadn't seen her up close or even touched her. Deep down, I knew it would be best if I could just forget it ever happened, but I also knew that I would never be able to forget her. No matter how hard I would try, I would never be able to convince myself that it was a dream. And if I saw her now, it would just make it harder to let it all go. If I never said goodbye, then maybe I would be filled with less regretful memories.

However, I would never see her again. Maybe it would be best to at least have one proper memory of her.

"Yes," I answered, in a barely audible breath. I wasn't quite sure that I'd said that, nor why. I think it was the last thought... I would see her at least once.

"This way then," the nurse gestured, then led me down the corridor of the hospital.

I was led into a small room, where Sarah was sitting at the end of a bed, staring into the cot, which held the baby. After receiving a quick nod from the nurse, Sarah stood up and left teh room, exchanging a small smile with me, as she brushed past on her way out.

"Do you want to hold her?" the nurse asked.

I tried to answer audibly, but I was in too much awe to do so. Instead, I gave a quick nod. Smiling, the nurse bent down towards the cot and picked up the bundle and placed it in my arms. Pulling bits of the blanket away, I uncovered her little, elifsh face. Her eyes were closed, but I could still see the inqusitive, curiousness in her- maybe I'd picked that up from the Professor and passed it down to her?

She wasn't very heavy, but I could tell that if I were to hold her for a while, my arms would ache, however, now I had her I realised what a mistake I'd made. It would be impossible to let go of her. It was like a magentic attraction pulling me towards her; I would have to use every bit of mental strength I could to put her back down.

"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse nodded, before opening the door and adding, "Take all the time you need."

I nodded gratefully in return, before she left, shutting the door quietly behind her.

"Hello," I whispered, "I... erm... I'm not sure what to really say- or how to say it. This is... Well... I know that you can't really understand me, but maybe you can hear me. I... I don't know how Sa- your Mother's going to bring you up, whether she's going to say I birthed you or not, but if she does... I know you deserve to know why," I hesitated, "I do love you. I do, I do. But you'll have a good life with Sarah, she'll be loving, caring, kind."

I stopped, not sure what else to say. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be there for her- for all her life. But in a few minutes, she would never see me again. I knew she wouldn't remember me, or even know I existed, but yet, I wanted this to be a memorable moment, with some sort of sign.

Then I remembered, a song- a lullaby- that my Mother had sung to me before she died. I opened my parted lips further, and began to sing.

"The wind will blow south, whistling through the trees," I sung quietly. Every few syllables, I stuttered after choking on a gulp, as tears began to roll down my cheeks, "The flowers will sway and the grass will grow. The river will flow and fishes will swim. The birds will sing and the sun will rise and it will all be for you."

* * *

**AN: And that's it! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, but most importantly, the story in its whole! **

**I'll be having some new PL fics coming soon! **_'Our Found Future'_ **and **_'Survivors, Secrets and Sacrifices' _**to be specific. Both have Layton/Claire in them and one has ****Flora/Luke** **too. :)**

**Oh, and my never-ending series, **_Lillyesque, _**is something I highly recommend to all of you! It's all about Lilly, my OC, who was in this story, and there's something for everybody in there. And of course, you can always request thing so there will be anyway. You don't have to read all the chapters, since they're oneshots, so you can just select a random few. Just make sure to leave a review or two. ;)**

**Anyway, review for the last chapter! **

**Anastasia! x**


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